As an esteemed university graduate, I have the knowledge and skills to cope with ‘real life situations’ and ‘problem solve’ and ‘ask smart questions’. When in reality I am armed with a 20 thousand dollar piece of paper that I am tempted to sell on eBay. Hmm, I wonder if I could get anything for it….I mean, it’s barely used…..OK, FOCUS.
You’d THINK after 5 years of doing my BSc in Archaeology that I would have learned to not be, so, for lack of a better term, stupid. No, actually, stupid is a pretty accurate term. During university I was your typical ‘slacker’. Assignments aren’t THAT important, are they? Many a time I have said to myself “Oh, shit,” *looks at syllabus* “that’s worth 25% of my mark. Yah, that one’s important. I wonder if I can get an extension….Fuck it” and then proceed to pull an all-nighter. Stupid, right? I have always prided myself on my innate people skills. Not so much the academic.
*Writing stuff* "What's that over there!" **Important side note: Wearing a headband makes you look like an academic**
My lack of focus and short attention span often left me ridiculously bored during class (Sorry to my friends and co-workers that TA’d me). Choosing a seat at the back of the room against a wall was no accident. Power naps (and drool-free ones at that) were just as important as actually paying attention. My theory was that a good snooze during a lecture would leave me with the ability to focus or ‘buckle down’ later in the day to like, read a textbook or something? You know what I mean…..the things real students do…computers…texts…binders…oooo! Look at that tiny horse in the geology building! And there are FOSSILS IN THE WALLS. WHOA. Best. Study place. Ever. (Probably because of the relaxing atmosphere, really kept me focused).
Well, if there’s one thing university taught me, it’s how to be a REALLY good procrastinator and be SUPER efficient at doing mediocre work. One of my prof’s always said “The university requires that you guys know how to write. So I’m going to need a term paper from you”. Do you really NEED that paper? Can I just get my 68% and we’ll call it even?
Life experiences are often the best way to learn new skills. I have an entirely different way of learning, which probably isn’t the best way. It usually happens in a series of events that goes something like this: James and/or Denis says something super sarcastic but possibly true. Leslie believes. Leslie gets the “are you fucking retarded” look from the sarcastic pieces of shit. Leslie looks like a fool. Leslie secretly googles real meaning from iPhone. Sigh.
The sad part is I can’t stop this series of unfortunate events from occurring because what they’re telling me COULD be true….
Anyway, regardless of HOW you learn things, it is important that you ARE learning. Nobody likes to have to tell you the same thing over and over and over again. (My sincerest apologies to those who will be doing just that after this post). I have narrowed down a few of the ways I learn things into some pretty broad categories. Whatever. Trust me people, broad categories are best. My brain is like an abstract art gallery. Lot’s of unused space, but a lot of weird fucking shit going on.
Life Lessons 101
1) Don’t believe everything you hear.
This is pretty obvious. BUT, like I said earlier, I suffer from this terrible affliction, gullibility. It COULD be true, so who am I to argue?
Most often this is how I learn new terms. But to keep yourself safe from the embarrassment that I often suffer, get your smartphone and google the shit out of it. The BEST example I can think of is how I learned what the word “Pedagogy” meant.
Leslie to James via MSN while looking at classes online: “What the fuck does pedagogy mean?”
James: “Oh, it’s the relationship between man and bird in the 21st century.”
*Leslie stares blankly at screen. Doesn’t type anything.*
James: “Leslie?”
*continues blank stare*
James: “You didn’t actually just believe that did you?”
*……*
James: “You did just believe that.”
Leslie: “No….I didn’t….I was just….busy….”
James: “You idiot.”
*******************
For all you that don’t know, pedagogy is NOT the relationship between man and bird in the 21st century. In my defence, all I could think of was how in the hell anyone would even KNOW that or WHY they would know that. But, if you’re curious: pedagogy
2) The importance of the changing seasons.
As most of you know by now, I am easily confused by my mother. What can I say? The woman baffles me! Not only has she taught me normal life lessons, like treating people how you want to be treated, manners, gardening and cooking, but also the subtleties. Like, not to cry too long over that dead cat, there will be 100 more in the spring.
That’s where the importance of the changing seasons comes in. New life, sunny weather, and, of course, how else will you bury your dead dog?
* The Rat Dog is hacking away in the kitchen*
Mom: “Don’t die til the ground thaws out.”
Yup. Spring is beautiful.
3) Know your history.
As an archaeologist, history is an important little thing to learn. You know, archaeology being the study of the past and things from the past and more stuff about the past…..*YAWN*. This is important so we do not repeat the foolish mistakes of our ancestors, but to also protect oneself from heartache. If you know your history, you won’t get upset about things that have already happened! Simple, right?
During one of my month long adventures in cleaning artifacts at work, all I had to look at was a wall with a map of Saskatchewan. My co-workers know me well enough to know that my level of focus while doing mindless work gets to an all time low. So I end up spouting out useless banter, just to keep things interesting. SOMETIMES this useless banter leaves me distraught and heartbroken.
*Leslie scrubbing artifacts and staring at maps*
Leslie: “I wonder if Prince Albert lives in Prince Albert National Park?”
Co-worker Lindsay: “Oh, honey, I think he’s dead.”
Leslie: “I need time to grieve.”
At least she was sweet about it.
4) Learn a little something about your surroundings.
This is something I am sure ALL of you can learn something from. Archaeologists aren’t all super-powers and awkward social skills! They too need to keep their heads up. Cara, another one of my co-workers, taught me the importance of watching your step when you’re in chest-high grass.
*Cara mumbles something about digging a test pit in the forest to Kyle and Leslie*
Kyle & Leslie: “Ok, Cara, we’ll dig one not in the forest”
*Cara disappears*
Kyle & Leslie: “WTF? Where did she go?”
Cara: *yells from burrow* “I was taken out by raptors!”
That’s right. Chest-high prairie grass. Prime velociraptor territory. I DID NOT KNOW there was a burrowing prairie raptor. Thankfully Cara fell in that abandoned raptor burrow and saved us all from certain death. We kept our heads up and our abdomens covered from then on.
SUPER ARCHAEOLOGIST! But no match for.......
VELOCIRAPTORS! GRRRRR!!
Jurassic Park. Fuck yeah.
5) Don’t do math. Or golf.
…………….
6) Know your bugs. Linden might ask you something about them at some point in time.
One of the most upsetting feelings in life is disappointing your friends. You know, when they look at you in hopes you can finish their sentences, when in reality you’re staring at them with that omg-please-just-tell-me-you’re-making-me-feel-like-a-dumbass look.
My dear friend Linden was recently going over slides for one of his bug classes with me, filling my brain with all sorts of knowledge. Unfortunately, he thought I knew much more than I actually did. This happens more often than not.
This slide came up and he gave me that knowing look, that “You can do it! You know what this is!” look. So full of encouragement and lacking judgement….I let him down. Again.
Yucky.
Linden: “This is the larval stage of—–” *pauses and looks knowingly at me*
Leslie: “…..yucky?”
Linden: “That’s not a thing!!”
Leslie: “It’s not?”
Looks yucky to me. FYI, it’s the larval stage of a ladybug. Just so you won’t look stupid next time someone asks you.
